When a corrupt security expert (Star Trek’s Patrick Stewart) kidnaps a school full of privileged children, their only hope is a smart-mouthed computer teenage hacker (Vincent Kartheiser) who’s playing hooky on the grounds. The result is Masterminds, which features the plot of Die Hard, the bloodless sadism of Home Alone, and the thrills of neither. Stewart has a ball, but the rest of the movie feels as silly and programmed as the games Kartheiser plays. The merits of this movie are lost on anyone over the age of twelve, although a dune buggy chase near the end is certainly novel. The ending (which involves sewers and the stuff they issue) is a fitting metaphor for the rest of the movie. Oscar-winner Brenda Fricker (My Left Foot) must have a really steep mortgage payment (PG-13). Rating: 2.

Capsule: Die Hard meets Home Alone in this putrid kidnapping adventure. Star Trek captain Patrick Stewart’s perfect plan falls apart at the hands of a brave teenage computer hacker (Vincent Kartheiser). Stewart is sly and charming, but the movie is insulting drivel. The explosions and the dune buggy races aren’t much help. Still, if you adore sewage, this is the movie for you (PG-13). Rating: 2